Why you need to sit the hell down...
HAVE A SEAT IN THE UNCOMFORTABLE CHAIR…
ALL SECRETS ADMIT THEMSELVES BY WALKING BAREFOOT
Many years ago I wrote a poem called "Maso." It was a response to a conversation I had with some people at a party about the religious group, Opus Dei. I expressed to them that I found the Opus Dei faith fascinating.
If you aren't familiar with Opus Dei, (you may have never seen the movie "The Da Vinci Code") they are a religious group that takes their beliefs super, super serious. I mean to the point they have become very controversial and their practices are often in question. These practices include the act of Corporal Mortification: "Mortification of the flesh is an act by which an individual or group seeks to mortify, or put to death, their sinful nature, as a part of the process of sanctification."
For this select group, it means hitting their backs with razor whips, or tying barbwire around their thigh when they have a “sinful” thought or get turned on in their lower regions…
YIKES RIGHT? WASN'T THE BODY SUPPOSED TO BE A TEMPLE?
Nevertheless,
I always found something sexy (stay with me here) about the whole concept, but couldn't ever put my finger on it. I'm not saying the act of mortification is something I personally agree with, because I don't, but something in it had me captivated.
When I started talking about it in the conversation, you would have thought I had just slapped my own back with a cat o nine tails.
They darn near out right attacked me.
CONVERSATION ETIQUETTE 101: IF YOU DISAGREE, ALWAYS INVITE WITH CURIOSITY, ATTACKING GETS YOU NOWHERE.
Well of course I shut down and changed the subject.
How would I expect them to get it,
I DON’T EVEN GET IT!
At the end of the day, they all had called me a "masochist." How rude and untrue! Of course I wouldn’t get turned on if someone started harming themselves in front of me, that’s soooooo not what I meant!
Being a poet, and being curious myself at where this fascination lies, I did some digging. I looked into what the word Masochist means and its origin.
Before I knew it, Wallah!
I had a poem that actually ended up exposing their own insecurity, and which is why they probably attacked me - rather than come from a place of curiosity.
That was the first time I realized,
WHEN WE GET ANGRY OR ANNOYED WITH OTHER PEOPLE, IT IS AN ADMITTANCE OF SOMETHING WE DON’T LIKE OR HAVE A FEAR OF INSECURITY ABOUT OURSELVES.
“All secrets admit themselves by walking barefoot”
I wouldn't find out why I was drawn to Opus Dei, or other things for that matter until way later on. But at least I was starting to grasp the concept of reality is a mirror.
CONTROLLING? NO I'M NOT! WHY NOT? BECAUSE I SAID SO!
Seven years later, I am at a self development workshop with some fellow advisors where we have to take a saboteur test to find out the ways in which we self sabotage.
There are several different things that come up on your test, things like “victim,” “controller,” “stickler,” “avoider” and so on.
So we get done with the test and gather in a room.
There are 9 signs that are covered placed about the room and we are told what signs to stand beside to reveal our top saboteur (everyone always scores a little bit on all of them.)
The first thing I noticed was…
I am the only one standing beside my sign.
When we are told to reveal the sign…
There in big bold letters, grinning devilishly like some overconfident burglar who wakes you up while sleeping to let you know he’s robbing your house, was the word…
“CONTROLLER.”
FUCK.
My first thought was embarrassment.
Especially since I was the only one at the sign - now MY sign and everyone was looking around the room at each other.
Controlling? Oh no…
“What will the room think of me? Will they want to work with me? Will they trust me?”
Then I got angry, controlling?!
“I'm not controlling!” (I totally was)
After the workshop, I was just hurt searching for why this thing now represented a part of me.
I STARTED PLAYING WITH AND EXPLORING THE CONCEPT OF CONTROL…
Upon doing so, I found out where I was abusing other people’s boundaries by trying to control every situation, so I played with letting some control go. Then I realized…
How come I am trying to control other people’s boundaries but I have no control over my own?
I would say yes to help people at the drop of a hat, and for at least 2 years of my past I was heavily submerged in martyr syndrome, offering my entire being up for what I considered “the greater good” on the belief that my spirit could out convict my body, till my body was like...
“HEY! THAT IS QUITE ENOUGH OF THAT.” and wrecked.
I almost ended up in the hospital, completely lost my identity and was in full blown denial of my martyr syndrome, thinking I had a responsibility to this earth and these people and because no one else was taking responsibility I guess I had to sacrifice my entire life, dreams, ambitions and joy to do the work.
What? Like no one else in the world is contributing? Jesh, how blind and hurt I was!
I also played with reigning back and remaining silent when I could of taken the lead on a project or conversation which got frustrating.
I was confused and lost.
Why was letting go of control helpful to me, down right freeing in some cases, and in other times painful and just felt like I was keeping myself small for the sake of others?
Something wasn’t right…
KA-POW, LIGHTNING BOLT.
I love, love, love those lightning bolts of clarity and… power.
When it all clicked for me, was when I took a fascinator test to find the best way to communicate with my brand’s audience and where I shine.
Surprise, surprise, the result of my primary fascinator factor was...
POWER.
FUCKITY FUCK FUCK.
Power is also like control!!! Ugh!!! Here we go again I thought!
But as I started reading the details of the test, I noticed something...
POWER AND CONTROL MEANS SOMETHING MUCH MORE THAN ABUSE OF.
IT MEANS A NATURAL LEADER.
It means I can lead by example by being a badass go getter, knowing exactly what I want and how to get there.
It means I thrive when these natural assets are needed from me.
It also means I cultivate and find power and control from within, not by projecting it outward on others.
It means I walk in my power and be the example, not forcing the result.
Suddenly everything started to make more sense.
I started noticing all the things I was drawn to, even the artwork I surround myself with and things in my house all had a representation of some sort of power.
HERE’S WHAT WAS ACTUALLY HAPPENING…
Remember the Opus Dei allure?
It wasn’t the self violence, nor the shock that allured me, it was the self-discipline factor - the self control.
The martyr syndrome?
Same thing.
So for all you Joan of Arc fans, (which at one point I was) I invite you to stop and ask yourself, what is it about these things that you are actually drawn to? Could it be the invincible spirit and the determination, NOT the sacrifice made at the sake of a life?
Hell, even my Jason Voorhees fetish could be traced back to these traits of power and control.
“Yes, put this mighty mask on and don’t say anything, chase me round the house till I’m cornered.”
POWER.
What was happening was, I didn’t realize these were some of my natural traits and something I need to feel fulfilled and be my authentic self, so I was reaching for it subconsciously in the easiest; closest thing.
Which we all know, the easiest isn’t always right nor good.
I HAD NO IDEA I WAS THIRSTY FOR POSITIONING IN THESE AREAS WITHIN MYSELF, AND IN MY THIRST, I WAS SEEKING IT FROM OUTSIDE SOURCES, INSTEAD OF FROM WITHIN.
Explains a lot of my past bad romantic relationships and power struggles too…
Control from within is much different.
It means I get to control when I work, when I say yes or no and how my day goes.
Self discipline comes from quitting cigarettes, not let's see how far I can push my body for others till I’m a wreck of pain laying on the bed frustrated because I can’t get up.
Power means I can embody who I am and inspire others.
It doesn’t mean bark orders and it ALSO doesn’t mean I shrink away from my truth and remain motionless and quiet so others can walk all over me.
That’s not kindness, that’s cowardice.
You can imagine how liberating this was for me.
AND IT CAN BE FOR YOU TOO.
IF YOU TAKE A SEAT IN THE UNCOMFORTABLE CHAIR, FACE YOUR SHIT AND DO THE WORK, YOU’LL SET YOURSELF FREE.
FLIP THE SCRIPT ON YOUR “UGLY” - WHAT IS IT THAT YOU NEED FROM THE THINGS THAT MAKE YOU UPSET?
But hold on… it gets even more uncomfortable and… better.
Here’s another example:
A HOT MESS
“Like OMG Sarahhhhhhhhhh, did you see those shoes?!”
I USED TO COULDN’T STAND WOMEN WHO WERE OVERTLY GIRLY.
I would make fun of them, roll my own lashes at them and even do my best to avoid ANY situation where these girly girls would be hanging out.
It wasn't that I thought femininity was weak...
It was something much deeper that I really...really...didn't want to admit.
I wouldn't just get annoyed by their presence, I would get angry.
And we all know anger is a secondary emotion.
WHAT I WAS REALLY FEELING?
Intimidation and my own cowardice.
Being someone who is naturally drawn into control and power,
you can imagine it was a very uncomfortable place for me to be.
It was like being surrounded by a bunch of reminders of my neglected self identity that I hadn’t even touched the tip of the ice berg on and even some secret desires.
Every hair flip in my face was translated into “You know you’re probably a boy not a girl right?” and “If you are, you can’t be like me.”
RUPAUL FOR THE WIN
Here’s the thing, as much as I swore I couldn’t stand these types of women…
I SECRETLY WANTED A LITTLE TINY BIT, OF THAT GIRL POWER, EVEN THOUGH I FELT LIKE I DIDN’T FIT IN THAT DRESS.
“I’m just not a girly girl.”
“I got better things to do than makeup. It’s not a priority.”
These are things I would say to myself, even though I would long for that lipstick, stare at those sequin jackets and think “Wow, her dress is gorgeous.” followed with “I’d never wear it though.”
When I DID manage to put on a dress I bought because I was on a shopping roll, I would often feel like a man in drag.
“Something just isn’t right here.”
BUT THEN I HAD ANOTHER BREAKTHROUGH ONCE I STARTED TO THINK ABOUT EMBRACING THE “THEY, THEM, THEIRS” PRONOUNS…
Why?
Why isn’t it right?
Men dress in drag all the time, and in my opinion I never thought anything was wrong with it, I even love the hell out of RuPaul.
WHY CAN’T I BE THE MAN IN DRAG?
I mean, if that’s how I feel, hell OWN IT!
Why do I have to shame myself for feeling awkward?
I may feel a bit out of sorts at first, but at the end of the day,
That outfit still sparked joy for me so I told myself -
BUY THE DAMN PINK GLITTER SPARKLE SHOES
PUT EM ON WHEN I FEEL LIKE BEING FABULOUS
WALK AWKWARDLY INTO THE ROOM IN MY POWER
AND YELL …
“YASSSSSSSSS I’M HERE, AND I’M SPARKLY BITCHES!”
Again,
Can you imagine how liberating that feels?
And if I never got offended, asked myself why I am offended in the first place, sat down with all these uncomfortable parts of me to explore in curiosity and coming from a place of love...
I WOULDN’T BE SPARKLING IN FRONT OF YOU RIGHT NOW.
JOYFUL AND FEELING WHOLE.
SO WHAT’S YOUR UNCOMFORTABLE CHAIR THAT’S WAITING ON YOU TO TAKE A SEAT AND DIG THROUGH THE CUSHIONS TO DISCOVER WHAT MAKES YOU SHINE IN YOUR TRUE AUTHENTIC SELF?
TO CULTIVATE THE THINGS THAT GENUINELY BRING YOU JOY?
What are you thirsting for, that you take in through damaging ways?
FLIP IT. LEVERAGE IT. OWN IT.
And you’ll set yourself free in some of the most beautiful and unbelievable ways possible.
Not ONLY that…
but you will also thrive in your business.
For your uncomfortable reading pleasure: The Maso Poem:
All secrets
admit themselves by walking barefoot...
"Are you a masochist?"
Do you fear pain's lesson?
Show me the lashes,
marked by your
la Conscientia, la Confessio
form of mother -
in the doorway of your soul,
inch by inch
have you grown?
Your tongue is backwards.
Masochist
masochismus
means masculine
do I not seek la Conscientia.
the noun is feminine.
(The cabin creaked eyes,
more substance in their phantoms
than these slates, that shift
before me.
No where near Gideon's gate to city slave,
no where near clone and chain
mislabeled
as isolation.
More life here
than festering pavement.
There is nowhere back there
for the screams to go
- flood-land.
Tiki men, representations,
women who've lost their wolves
turned to snakes -
a branch
that isn't.
All things lethal
more dangerous
than this
wilderness.)
"Are you glutton
for punishment?"
Your insinuation
collapses itself.
Living with out as trial -
Are YOU glutton
to wish to keep
all these things?
Contradiction
born from corruption,
do you not videre
cogito
videre
where surrounded by
full spaces,
you remain empty,
here this simplicity
has fed me,
my wilderness
mighty le sitis
mighty le esurienti
is satisfied.
Aren't you unsatisfied?
where do you think
anger comes from?
Frustration
frustratio
translate
disappointment.
Are you not
disappointed
in your lie of living?
In your clone and chain?
I think you have forgotten
your mother,
la Conscientia.
Do you bring barefoot
a question,
that is really
your confession
are you
the masochist?
