“You can’t just snap at me like that, I’m just trying to ask you a question. I don’t care if you’re writing or not, damn I don’t see why you getting so angry, I swear it’s like you care more about your stupid writing than you do me. It’s just words! I’m flesh and blood!”

Honey… I know this routine.

As an artist and a poet, I’ve had to navigate relationships where my partner didn’t understand the creative process, or why disrupting that process upsets me.

I’ve also learned how hurtful my passion can be to others when unchecked, having to balance between what it takes to make it as a creative - vs - make it in a relationship.

The hardest part of my journey was finding myself in a relationship where my partner became resentful of my passion and devotion to the work.

Been there, done that, got the t-shirt…

Don’t plan on going back!

I know what you’re looking for…

An easy explanation for why it’s so hard and how to build a relationship where you can still be your unique and artistic self.

I’m sure you’ve seen articles and blogs like…

“Why not to date an artist” or “Why you don’t want to date a poet” or whatever the art form is.

It’s like every piece of information is warning people off, instead of what we can offer.

It’s super clear from the internet that being in a relationship with an artist is hard. But it doesn’t have to be.

Don’t get me wrong, dating an artistic person can be intimidating, since each creative has their own needs and their own baggage...

BUT!

There’s several things that ring true for all us wonderful artistic beings out there, and knowing these on both sides of the relationship can make a good foundation.

1: BOUNDARIES FOR CREATIVE RELATIONSHIPS

“If this man interrupts me one more time while I’m writing, I’mma drop kick him from across the room.”

The first thing that needs to be understood and put in place is boundaries.

Just like any relationship, knowing what your needs are from the start can help build a strong understanding between you. When your partner doesn’t know what it’s like to pour their soul into their work they aren’t going to see why the disruption of that connection is so painful.

We don’t manufacture goods, we create from a part of ourselves.

When that connection is cut off prematurely or interrupted it feels like we’re losing a precious part of ourselves.

A moment of inspiration we fear we can’t get back.

Here’s another way to look at it...

You know the analogy of “giving birth” a lot of artists use when it comes to creating a piece?

Well it’s like this, as an artist creating, I’m in labor right?

I’m focusing on pushing… Finally the baby is halfway out, but then…

My husband comes in and shoves the baby back inside to ask me…

“What you want for dinner?”

What the hell?! Not cool right?

Setting up a routine is your best and easiest go to.

If you let your partner know in advance...

“Hey, when my door is shut or when you see me working on a project do not disturb me...”

You’ve set in place the boundary - I need privacy to work.

I have the pleasure of dating a creative like myself. He’s a musician and this boundary is something understood between us.

Dating a musician is like dating any other artist. They need time to work out the melody and lyrics to their songs and a lot of times they must do this in private.

It’s why writers, musicians and artists are known for going away for a season to work on their next album, novel or art series.

Let your partner know your need for privacy doesn’t mean you don’t want to be with them and make sure you set up times to be together where your focus can be solely on them.

2: UNDERSTANDING THE MANIA OF CREATING

“Ya’ll artists are too emotional for me.”

How many times have you heard that you’re “too emotional?”

“Well DUH!” You probably say to yourself, I mean come on…

It’s emotional work we’re doing!

There’s so many highs and lows as an artist…

And a lot of times these roller coaster rides don’t go smoothly.

If you looked at our emotional states in a graph before, during and after the creative process, you wouldn’t see a calm medium sized wave, you’d probably see a line that looked like the mountain ranges of the Rockies.

Sweetheart, that’s okay. And you shouldn’t have to feel guilty for that.

The problem is when these ups and downs aren’t known and explained in a relationship.

So here’s a breakdown that you and your partner can easily understand.

THE MOST COMMON CREATIVE PROCESS:

1: THE IDEA COMES:

Excitement : “I can’t wait to start working on this!”

2: THE WORK BEGINS:

Focus shifts to the project : “What’s it going to take to complete this, what supplies do I need?”

Time and energy shifts : Dives in, becomes devoted to the project.

3: DURING THE WORK:

Frustration & Anger / Creative Limitation : “Why isn’t it coming out the way I want it to?”

Deeper focus : Problem solving and trials, becomes even more distant and moody.

4: WORK COMPLETED:

Heights of euphoria :“I love it! I am so proud of myself!”

Impostor syndrome : “Never-mind, what was I thinking, I suck, this sucks, I should just quit!”

Depression : “Nothing I do is right!” Takes a break

Re-excitement: Comes back to project “I really like what I did, this is great, I’m going to show it!”

5: THE UNVEILING:

Panic : “Omg, everyone is seeing me, will they hate it, will they judge me?”

Stress and worry : “Maybe I’m not as good as I thought I was...”

Realignment with Purpose: “It doesn’t matter what they think, my duty was to create the thing, what they think about it is none of my business!”

This is the most common form of the creative emotional ride that we find ourselves on.

You’re probably saying “Oh yes, I know this ride.” But does your partner know?

Being able to articulate your process, whether it be the example above or different, helps your partner understand the mood swings, the frustration and the reason you’re being so distant when before this project you were all about them.

A lot of times your partner will feel like they need to “save you” from your emotions.

Sometimes they feel like if you’re upset it’s their fault because they don’t know that this is actually a part of the process.

Their inability to save you from the downs, will make them feel like they’re failing you.

Your determination to “ride this thing on out” coupled with your focus switching from your partner to your art form will also lead them to feel like you don’t need or want them around.

Which leads me to number three on this guided list…

3: MAKING EACH OTHER FEEL NEEDED:

It doesn’t matter if you’re male, female, gender neutral, everyone in a relationship needs to feel needed and wanted.

Everyone in a relationship needs to feel supported…

But when we don’t know what that support looks like, it’s hard to offer it or ask.

As a creative you can easily make your partner feel needed and loved by including them in on your ideas and projects.

Even if they don’t consider themselves an artist.

Here’s an example…

Say you’re a poet working on a new poem. Struggling with that last line? Ask your partner what they think!

If you only knew how many sessions I’ve sat my significant other down to help me memorize a spoken word group piece when my team wasn’t around…

And if you only knew how many times he, as a musician, told me about a new chord progression he put into a song, where I was like...

“I have no idea what in the hell these terms are that you’re telling me, but ok.” You’d laugh.

But it works ya’ll. It works!

Each person feels included and a bigger part of the other’s life by offering an opportunity to share, and ask for their opinion.

This can be scary, I know…

But when you ask your partner for their opinion, it shows you care and value their thoughts.

Want to take it a step further in this bond?

Collaborate with them!

They might protest at first…

“Ahhh, I’m no artist, I don’t want to mess it up.”

But setting aside a project where you two can create together is a beautiful experience.

Every year me and my fiance sit down to paint a canvas together that we use as a Christmas card to send out to our friends and family. We both look forward to it every year and it’s become our own little tradition.

4: THE “I DON’T GET IT” IDENTITY CRISIS

There’s going to be times where your partner doesn’t get the project you’re so passionate about.

You know when you release your work to the public that there’s a chance of being misunderstood with people you don’t even know, so don’t start getting resentful toward your lover because they’re closest to you.

I know… This is a hard one…

“They’re closest to me, they should understand me if no one else does!”

The problem is that expectation is too big to put on your partner.

there’s some stuff you gotta experience alone.

That also applies to your art, you have to remember why you’re doing it in the first place.

Just because your partner doesn’t “get it” doesn’t mean they don’t care about you or believe in you.

As artists we have a tendency to wrap up our identity with our work.

This can be dangerous because you start weighing being loved against the acceptance of others instead of being loved for just being you, not in what you accomplish.

So let them love you, for you and not just your work.

5: SHOWING UP

“He never comes to any of my shows and it hurts.”

I’ve been there too.

I’ve also been on the other end of this where my boyfriend came along to everything I did and not only did he get resentful, I had a hard time focusing my attention.

Truth is…

Your partner SHOULD be supporting your work in some way.

Whether it be shows, an art opening or spreading the word.

Just don’t expect them to be at every single one.

It’s another expectation that’s far too great to put on one person.

But when your partner doesn’t show up at all, it can cause painful feelings of neglect and loneliness.

I’ve seen many couples say with a nonchalant shrug…

“Oh he doesn’t like poetry at all, so he sits at home watching sports while I go out and do my thing.”

It all sounds well and good at the beginning, but it always seems to lead to disconnect in the relationship and hurt.

Whether they like what you do or not, encourage them to support your work in some way.

Compromise if you have to by telling them they don’t have to stay the whole time, but showing up alone will make you feel loved, seen, heard and supported.

If both of you are creative, this can be hard when you have a lot going on.

I’ve dealt with this in my current relationship, but we always relay how our events went when we get home so we can let each other know what we’re feeling.

RED FLAGS IN CREATIVE RELATIONSHIPS

I would never offer you advice on if you should leave a relationship (unless it’s clearly abusive. If fists are flying, get out!)

But there’s some flags I want you to be aware of.

Whether you choose to stay or end the relationship is up to you and your partner.

Top 5 bad signs in creative relationships:

JEALOUSY: If you want to be successful as a creative, you gotta put yourself out there and network. That means you’re going to get attention. If your partner is throwing a fit every time you get an opportunity, questioning you like crazy when you come home, then that’s a sign of lacking trust and insecurity in the relationship.
GAS-LIGHTING: Your partner shouldn’t attack you for following your passion! And they shouldn’t turn your passion against you either! There’s a difference between “Honey I know you’re really busy, but I really miss you and would like to spend some time with you, can we make a plan?” - vs - “It’s your fault I cheated, you’re always in the studio!”
RESENTMENT: Noticing your partner making snarky comments or turning their nose up every time you talk about your work? That’s a sign things are headed south. Relationships where one person is very driven while the other has a lack of drive are breeding grounds for resentment. If you can talk calmly about this with your partner, there's a chance you could inspire them instead of it leading to gas-lighting or passive aggressive attacks.
FALLING IN LOVE WITH THE ART INSTEAD OF THE ARTIST: I personally haven’t dealt with this, but I’ve seen my friends go through it. Especially with poets. Someone in the crowd hears your poem and falls in love with your work… Seems harmless enough, until a relationship is built around it. If your partner knows your work better than they know you that’s a sign that this could be happening.
WHEN “I DON’T GET IT” GOES TOO FAR: Just because your partner doesn’t get your work, doesn’t mean they can belittle you or steal your thunder when you get excited. If your partner changes the subject or rolls their eyes every time you start to talk about your passion, then it can be really hard to feel like you can be yourself around them. If their disrespect for what you do is spilling over into who you are, that’s a bad sign.